Renew and Refresh

Today is February 1st....a mid-winter morning of no special consequence.  The snow is six inches deep on the ground, with a storm in the forecast, so the hope of spring seems far in the distance  Yet I step outside with a small stirring of something that might be called joy- the biting cold in my lungs and the snowflakes falling gently on my face remind me to be thankful for this gift called life, but also convict me of something that lies just below the surface of my conscious awareness. 

In this moment, I am intensely aware of the hidden anger and unkindness in my heart and my need to release these seems urgent, as if I cannot continue with the day until I have cleansed my spirit. The words of Psalm 51 float into my awareness: "wash me and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness...create in me a pure heart, O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

David wrote this psalm after he had committed adultery with Bathsheba and he was filled with remorse. For most of us, the things that plague our spirit are small by comparison. We may not even be consciously aware of  the ways in which we "miss the mark": unkind, hurtful words that sting, an angry outburst, a judgmental thought or action, an unforgiving heart or a resentment held against someone who has wronged us. Maybe it is a spirit of self-condemnation or self-pity, since we are to "love our neighbors as ourselves".

This morning, as I release those small dark things that hide from me and trick me into thinking that I am a "good" person, I feel cleansed, renewed and refreshed.  I am, perhaps for this day, released from self-pity and hypocrisy. I let go, ask for help and sense that small stirring of joy telling me that today is a new day. I embrace its promise.